Oh, Heil No!

Yes, that man in the middle IS wearing a lederhosen.  Because nothing says "Happy Memorial Weekend" like a traditional German costume.  Granted, this photo was taken outside of a German-style beer garden, but really guy?  You have no business wearing this getup unless it's Halloween or Oktoberfest...in MUNICH.  Not in New York City, during a holiday weekend that celebrates the men and women who died in service to our country, including those in the Allied forces.

Before and After

Photos taken at the end of the Brooklyn Half Marathon in 2009 (left) and 2010 (right).  What a difference almost a year of CrossFit makes!

CrossFit: A Field Guide (Part I)

Is the person who shows up at the office every weekday, buttoned into business casual, who you really are?  What about the people you work with?  Your seemingly mild-mannered receptionist could be a spike-heeled dominatrix by night; the soft-spoken guy from IT could be a firebreathing rugby player who crushes skulls on the weekends. 

What we choose to do in our free time is highly indicative of who we are.  Perhaps that’s why, even though our friends and loved ones may not share our passions, we hope they can at least understand them.

Of course, certain pastimes are more easily relatable than others. If I tell people I run, they will largely assume I'm conscious about my health (true), and when I say I run races, they'll assume I'm fast (untrue) and/or that I like a challenge (true). When I share the fact that some of my running partners are blind—well, that tidbit needs a little more explanation.

CrossFit is another pastime of mine that requires some explanation. Most people have never heard of it, or, in one case, assume it's a workout exclusively for transgendered people.  Or, if they’ve seen some of the videos online, think I’m absolutely insane.

And so, in an effort to explain why I spend so much time and energy on this endeavor, why I come home broken and bruised, yet still come back for more—I’ve decided, for the benefit of the uninitiated, to create a CrossFit Field Guide. 

This Guide is by no means all-encompassing, or even that informative. As a CrossFitter of barely 11 months, I am certainly no expert, but believe I have sufficient knowledge to provide an introduction to the layperson.

And so, if you are a current CrossFitter who wants a way to get through to a family member who is concerned for your safety and sanity, or if you are the partner of a CFer who is wondering why your significant other has been spending so much time with a tattooed, ragtag group of shifty-looking characters, read on...

Gratuitous Pet Shot

"I Liked You Better When I Thought You Were Gay"

...and other things I think but don't say.


Upon viewing a woman repeatedly sneezing into her hand on the subway:
"Oh, no, gross! You're not going to...yep, you did. You grabbed the pole with the hand you just sneezed in. Now let me say, on behalf of all passengers who will unwittingly touch that pole after you: you're an asshole."

Upon once again receiving no response after greeting an acquaintance:
"Okay, I get it, we don't really know each other outside of the break room, but is it so hard to return a hello? Instead you avoid looking at me like I have snakes growing out of my head. I see you use a [prominent investment bank] mug; is that where you used to work? Do you think that makes you better than the rest of us? You work here now, so obviously not. Also, your hair looks like a bad toupee."

Upon witnessing a woman using a dozen--yes, I counted--paper towels to dry her hands in the ladies' room:
"So, do you have OCD? Or do you just really really hate the environment? I mean, your method of crumpling four paper towels in your hands--three of them aren't even making contact with your skin!--throwing them away, then repeating this process two more times is the most wasteful act I have ever witnessed.  I would like to go to your apartment, wash my hands, then dry them on every single hand towel you own and throw them on the floor."

Happy Mother's Day

Words That Aren't Words But Should Be

ontroduce  verb, ontroduced, ontroducing 


--verb
to introduce yourself to a new acquiantance by mounting them.

Spike ontroduced himself to the new poodle, but his owner did not approve, and immediately separated the two dogs.

WTF Photo of the Day

Simple Diarrhea...for when diarrhea gets too complicated!

Three Poems

Subway Songs

some mutter as they
hug purses to chests, some
silently read the signs, some
read out loud, some
speak to no one

Security Blanket

Bruises,
loose threads, lumps,
almost-holes threaded together by
fabric and fuzz.

Double Bed

your back my stomach
close loneliness
breath whistling softly
the sound of breathing
the sound
of sound

© 2010, Stephanie Joyce Wilson


These poems were first published by unFold

WTF Photo of the Day

So this giant brain appeared on Degraw Street a few weeks ago.  Why?  I have no idea.  At first, there was a giant machete stuck in it (see photo #1).


However, the brain is also a ride.  You can see the coin slot in photo #2.


Of course, I had to try out the ride.  The verdict: Six Flags it is not.  It's also difficult to get your whole body inside the brain, if you're adult-sized.  (Photo #3)