"I Liked You Better When I Thought You Were Gay"

...and other things I think but don't say.


Upon viewing a woman repeatedly sneezing into her hand on the subway:
"Oh, no, gross! You're not going to...yep, you did. You grabbed the pole with the hand you just sneezed in. Now let me say, on behalf of all passengers who will unwittingly touch that pole after you: you're an asshole."

Upon once again receiving no response after greeting an acquaintance:
"Okay, I get it, we don't really know each other outside of the break room, but is it so hard to return a hello? Instead you avoid looking at me like I have snakes growing out of my head. I see you use a [prominent investment bank] mug; is that where you used to work? Do you think that makes you better than the rest of us? You work here now, so obviously not. Also, your hair looks like a bad toupee."

Upon witnessing a woman using a dozen--yes, I counted--paper towels to dry her hands in the ladies' room:
"So, do you have OCD? Or do you just really really hate the environment? I mean, your method of crumpling four paper towels in your hands--three of them aren't even making contact with your skin!--throwing them away, then repeating this process two more times is the most wasteful act I have ever witnessed.  I would like to go to your apartment, wash my hands, then dry them on every single hand towel you own and throw them on the floor."