Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Imaginary Comedy Routine

Sometimes I think that if this whole writing thing doesn’t work out, I should try standup comedy.  No, really.

I’ve thought about it a lot actually.  What would be my angle?  My opener?  I’ve decided I would definitely be one of those self-deprecating* comics. Most of my act would involve making fun of myself: my gangly-ness, my klutziness, my knack for getting myself into extremely awkward situations.  Like the time I thought it would be awesome to take up power lifting.  (More on that later.)  Or the time I thought it was a great idea to take in the stray cat I’d found that had cajones the size of tennis balls.  Or the time I helped a visually- and hearing-impaired man complete a marathon—while he took a smoke break every two miles.

So that would be my angle.  And I’d have to make fun of my appearance too, of course.  Every great comedian has done that: Farley, Belushi, Candy.  But since I don’t exactly have the “funny fat guy” thing going for me, I would probably riff on my tiny golf ball head or my bony knees. But I think my main shtick would be, "Attractive, but not attractive enough."  Here's how it works. I'd get on stage and say:

“I'm attractive enough that guys hit on me in bars, but not attractive enough that the losers still think they have a shot. Like, someone will buy me a drink—yeah!—but he's got a leering expression and he’s a little cross-eyed.  And he’s creepy enough that I have excuse myself to the restroom just to pour out the drink—because I'm 90% sure there's roofies in it.”

Are you rolling on the floor yet?  No?  Well, then I’d have a hilarious (true!) story to back this up:

“This one time, I was out with some girlfriends in Chicago. And I hadn't seen one of the girls in years, so I was really excited to catch up with her. But this random guy—I don't remember what he looked like, probably pretty average in every way—kept trying to talk to me. And I was blowing him off, because I was more interested in talking with my friend. So eventually he gets the hint, looks me up and down, and goes, ‘You're not that good looking.’”

Zing!  Get it?  Like, I was attractive enough for him to hit on, but ugly enough that I should have been grateful for his attention…I swear, if I told it on stage it would sound funny and not totally pathetic and sad.

Okay, the material’s a little rough, but there’s something there!  Either way, I think I’ll stick to the writing thing, at least for now.

*I’ve also thought of a comedy bit about a self-deprecating rapper.  This joke hasn’t gotten past the idea stage, but I think there’s a lot to be mined here: someone who raps about having no money, aluminum fillings, scuffed sneakers from Payless, and how he can only hook up with girls with bony asses.  Hilarious.


  1. I think you're both beautiful and funny!

  2. Aww, thanks Pants! You were actually there the time that guy said, "You're not that good looking," remember?

    Then you went home and Kim and I went to the Hang Up, or the Hangy Uppey, or whatever you call it, and this creepy bald guy came up to me and said, "You're so young and innocent-looking," and was completely serious and freaky. I think I was about 10 minutes away from being chopped up in an alley somewhere. Good times!