Not-So-Breaking News

Why "symbolically" attempt to repeal health care reform?  It's just that the Republicans are so darn sentimental...

"I Liked You Better When I Thought You Were Gay"

...and other things I think but don't say.


Upon viewing a woman repeatedly sneezing into her hand on the subway:
"Oh, no, gross! You're not going to...yep, you did. You grabbed the pole with the hand you just sneezed in. Now let me say, on behalf of all passengers who will unwittingly touch that pole after you: you're an asshole."

Upon once again receiving no response after greeting an acquaintance:
"Okay, I get it, we don't really know each other outside of the break room, but is it so hard to return a hello? Instead you avoid looking at me like I have snakes growing out of my head. I see you use a [prominent investment bank] mug; is that where you used to work? Do you think that makes you better than the rest of us? You work here now, so obviously not. Also, your hair looks like a bad toupee."

Upon witnessing a woman using a dozen--yes, I counted--paper towels to dry her hands in the ladies' room:
"So, do you have OCD? Or do you just really really hate the environment? I mean, your method of crumpling four paper towels in your hands--three of them aren't even making contact with your skin!--throwing them away, then repeating this process two more times is the most wasteful act I have ever witnessed.  I would like to go to your apartment, wash my hands, then dry them on every single hand towel you own and throw them on the floor."

WTF Photo of the Day

Simple Diarrhea...for when diarrhea gets too complicated!

Don't Do What to the Alligators?

I took this photo during a recent trip to Florida.


Somewhere the alligators  have a sign that says: "Danger!  Beware of humans offering food.  They may be trying to lure you in so that they can molest you!!"

My Imaginary Comedy Routine

Sometimes I think that if this whole writing thing doesn’t work out, I should try standup comedy.  No, really.

I’ve thought about it a lot actually.  What would be my angle?  My opener?  I’ve decided I would definitely be one of those self-deprecating* comics. Most of my act would involve making fun of myself: my gangly-ness, my klutziness, my knack for getting myself into extremely awkward situations.  Like the time I thought it would be awesome to take up power lifting.  (More on that later.)  Or the time I thought it was a great idea to take in the stray cat I’d found that had cajones the size of tennis balls.  Or the time I helped a visually- and hearing-impaired man complete a marathon—while he took a smoke break every two miles.

So that would be my angle.  And I’d have to make fun of my appearance too, of course.  Every great comedian has done that: Farley, Belushi, Candy.  But since I don’t exactly have the “funny fat guy” thing going for me, I would probably riff on my tiny golf ball head or my bony knees. But I think my main shtick would be, "Attractive, but not attractive enough."  Here's how it works. I'd get on stage and say:

“I'm attractive enough that guys hit on me in bars, but not attractive enough that the losers still think they have a shot. Like, someone will buy me a drink—yeah!—but he's got a leering expression and he’s a little cross-eyed.  And he’s creepy enough that I have excuse myself to the restroom just to pour out the drink—because I'm 90% sure there's roofies in it.”

Are you rolling on the floor yet?  No?  Well, then I’d have a hilarious (true!) story to back this up:

“This one time, I was out with some girlfriends in Chicago. And I hadn't seen one of the girls in years, so I was really excited to catch up with her. But this random guy—I don't remember what he looked like, probably pretty average in every way—kept trying to talk to me. And I was blowing him off, because I was more interested in talking with my friend. So eventually he gets the hint, looks me up and down, and goes, ‘You're not that good looking.’”

Zing!  Get it?  Like, I was attractive enough for him to hit on, but ugly enough that I should have been grateful for his attention…I swear, if I told it on stage it would sound funny and not totally pathetic and sad.

Okay, the material’s a little rough, but there’s something there!  Either way, I think I’ll stick to the writing thing, at least for now.

*I’ve also thought of a comedy bit about a self-deprecating rapper.  This joke hasn’t gotten past the idea stage, but I think there’s a lot to be mined here: someone who raps about having no money, aluminum fillings, scuffed sneakers from Payless, and how he can only hook up with girls with bony asses.  Hilarious.

WTF Photo of the Day

It says, "This plant is free but it has lice.  Take at your own risk (if you can treat it)."

Park Slopians, you are so strange sometimes.

PKE4U9MSBVHK

I MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!

I freaking love this commercial. It only comes on after 1 A.M. in the NYC area, or maybe just Brooklyn. I'm not sure.

I wanted to share because:

1) It's hilarious

2) Whenever someone thanks me for something, I will now respond by making a sweeping arm motion and saying, "We make your dreams come true!" in a stilted, accented voice. I want to make sure people get the joke.

Truth in Advertising

I've walked by this sign on the way to the R/W train several times, and it never fails to crack me up. It's like they're saying, "Look, we have good prices. Are they the lowest in the city? Well, we're not sure. There's a lot of stores in New York. We can't say with total certainty that we're the best, but we're pretty good. So come shop here, you're probably getting a good deal, and you'll most likely be happy with your purchase."